


Can`t Get You Out Of My Head

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, Future, Points of View, Romance, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-01
Updated: 2005-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:22:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian Kinney is a rock. Brian Kinney is an island. Or is he?





	Can`t Get You Out Of My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

* * *

**A/N** : Yep, I know exactly how you feel. Yet another post-513 ficlet. But, since my mind is playing fucking tricks on me and makes me have some weird-ass dreams lately, I can't stop writing stuff of that sort. I just have to get it all out. Exorcise it. LOL So, I hope someone out there will enjoy that trip. LOL I would love some feedback too. You know, just so that I know people are reading this. *sighs cause she feels that she sounds just like Mikey in S1* And for those who do take the time to leave feedback on my fics, I will offer my soul. I'm just really grateful, I guess. LOL My love goes to my beta Kat, who takes time from her studying for uni to proofread this stuff. *hugs* She is simply a gift from God, I swear. :) P.S. I love New York, so don't kill me, k? *grins nervously* P.P.S. I kinda borrowed a line from Draccone (a title of her fic), so if you read this, babe, don't hate me, k? Your fics simply rock. ;-) Anyway, timeline is future, set about 1 year post-513.

**Very important** : Italics signify a flashback. ;D

* * *

No matter how much you try, the real and actual truth is, you could never deny the pull. Those annoying little flutters anytime you felt him passing by. Right from the moment when your eyes first met. It was as if the galaxies had collided on that night and in that magnificent moment, another new world was born. A world of Brian and Justin. Plus, there is just something to be said about the heady mix of innocence and maturity beyond years that Justin exudes. It's something you just can't explain. Or erase.

Back in the days, when he followed your every step, it was too fucking easy to play hard to get. You never really knew what you were trying to escape from. That was just another of your little games. Millenniums before you two started playing **the** game. _The dance of seduction of the willing._ Not that you'd admit it to anyone alive, but deep down, you prayed to whoever listened up there, again and again, that he would be the one to catch you. It wasn't a conscious effort on your part, but sometimes, just sometimes, people do things that they aren't even aware of. Like a small child, needing reassurance of one's love, a thousand times over.

You knew, of course, how he felt about you, but when you aren't sure what love exactly entails, how can you measure what is given to you. All that is left are dry words and nothing more hanging in the air.

*~*~*~*~*

It's disturbingly funny how quickly those around you expect you to just regress. At least, at first sight. Perhaps, they think they are doing you a fucking favor. Everyone always knows what you should do, how you should act, what fricking clothes you should wear. Who you should remember. And forget. And you try. You really try. But you can still smell his aftershave on the pillow, feel his hand in your hair, just when you are about to fall asleep.

Sometimes someone completely random drops into your life and turns it upside down. In a weird way, you feed on their joy, their view of life, and on the way their smile shines, even in the darkest nights. That realization hits you straight in the chest. Where it can do most damage. And after, no matter who tries, they can't put the damn Humpy-Dumpty together again. He is the only one that can. And you feel fucking cheated and angry. At world. At yourself, for feeling like that in the first place.

Life teaches us that old habits do die hard, but it is all just surface. Glitter rains and thumpa-thumpa can bring you only so far. Especially if you had everything once. No matter how hard you keep trying and failing every single time, you simply dust yourself and try again. It doesn't make sense, but you still do it unconsciously. It's as if you feel, that after a while, you have no other choice. That is exactly what everyone expects of you. Just flip the switch and become a party boy once more. Sure, that boy probably lives somewhere deep inside of you, still grinds his hips to the rhythm, still believes sex is all that matters. And that it is all he will ever get in return.

But, there is now a majority of you that aches inside when he's not by your side. When all you wanna do is dial his number, and just listen to him breathe. Times, when you wake up in the middle of the night, and realise he is somewhere else. 

Somewhere where you're not.

And all you wanna do is hit. And bleed. And cry. But, you do none. You just lay there, cursing yourself and that obnoxious feeling of loneliness, he left you with.

*~*~*~*~*

As silly as it sounds, the first six months after he left were like a joyride from hell that never ends. Every single day, you would find his messages. On your cell phone, on your machine. He actually told Michael to tell you to stop being a bitch and to fucking call him. Debbie too. Of course. Even Ted and Cynthia got to be a part of _"Get Brian to fucking pick up the phone and act like a grownup for a moment"_ scheme. Actually, it would have been funny, if it wasn't so incredibly sad. Even to you.

Naturally, as thick as you prove to be, over and over again, you resisted it all, justifying to yourself, of course, that he had a new life now. A better life. That he didn't need you to meddle in his plans. At times, you could actually picture Debbie hitting you upside the head with a vengeance. Which is also what got you here. Because, when you are trying desperately to convince yourself, that the very thing you live for is the one thing you don't need, it all crumbles down, the moment a strong wind blows your way. 

Or in your case, when you realise how fucking stupid you actually are.

 

_"Michael, just drop it! I don't want to talk about it!" You voice your annoyance at his prodding. Unfortunately, your dear friend has never learned to pick up on the hints, you were dropping in heaps in front of him._

_"Brian, don't fucking give me that! I've been there, OK? I've been there a month after you refused to answer his phone calls. Two months. Three. It's been six months and I see how you act whenever someone mentions his name, so don't bullshit me. You and I left that stage years before, remember? You are a fall down mess when no one's watching. Just bite the damn bullet and go see him, for fuck's sake! Admit that you miss him. That you want to see him. Brian, he wants you. Only you. He wanted you all this time. That never changed. And I know you want him too."_

_You swallow hard and bite your lower lip._

_"Of course I do! God... But am I what he ** _needs_** right now? Michael, he is trying to build his own life out there. He doesn't need a distraction." An uncertain pause. "After all this time, he doesn't need -..." You add it in a whisper, fearing that what is about to pass your lips, is the actual truth. _

_Despite all your bravado, you don't think you could survive that._

_"What? You? Oh, please, give me a fucking break! Even when the both of you are six feet under, he will still need you. Just like you need him. Haven't five years of self-flagellation taught you anything? Christ, even I got with the 'Brian and Justin' show!"_

_You can't help but grin at his dramatics. He is definitely Debbie's son. The older he is, the worse he gets._

_"Oh, Mikey... I didn't know you cared."_

_He laughs at you and gives you the finger. The fucker._

_"Will you just call him, please?" You shrug uncertainly. You aren't quite ready to do that. Yet._

_"I need... a little more time." He sighs at your profound stupidity, but says nothing. But you know what he's thinking._

_"Brian, just don't wait too long. You don't want to let this one go. Again. I know how you operate, OK? First, you'll push him away, then you'll stay clear of him, convincing yourself that you're doing the right thing. Then, you won't be able to forgive yourself for that and it will destroy you. So, please, don't wait too long. And remember… You are what he wants. What he needs. You always have been. So, could you just cut this martyr crap for a second and get over yourself, because I can't actually believe, that I, of all people, am telling you all this!"_

_You laugh at the way he rolls his eyes. You can't believe how much your childhood friend grew up in the last five years. How wholesome he became. How mature and, God forbid, how wise he is now. It's pretty frightening, really. And disconcerting._

_"Got it, Mikey. Point taken." You salute him with a grin stretched across your face. Then, you grab his arm and pull him towards the door._

_"Now, leave my home and go to yours. Your husband is probably looking for you by now."_

_You push him carefully out the door and close it. Perhaps, sometime soon, you will even take his advice._

*~*~*~*~*

Standing there, you don't particularly care, that the people passing you by, are looking at you funny. As if they never saw a man looking through someone's window. This is New York, for fuck's sake! You try to ignore that your leather jacket isn't as warm, as it was suppose to be for the still too cold February night. And to think that almost six years ago, all you really wanted was to be right here. In New York. Alone.

You can't even picture that scenario now. Unless Justin stands beside you every step of the way. You still want **that**. Actually, more than ever. And then, you look through the glass again, as he moves around the tiny room, a cell phone glued to his ear. Laughing with such obvious joy at something that was said. And if you had to guess, Daph would be the most likely candidate at the moment. 

God, you can still remember each and every one of the Justin/Daphne phone sessions. And you miss them all like hell. You miss it **all** so bad, it's at times unbearable. And all you wanna do is just hold him and tell him you love him. Just to feel him close.

Suddenly, somewhere close, a couple of loud bangs echo through the night. You realise, it's most likely stray cats jumping around garbage cans. But, when you look up, you can't see Justin inside anymore.

Just then, the front door opens and he is standing there, smiling like no time at all has passed since you last saw each other. Stealing your heart all over again, without even trying.

"So, were you just gonna stand out here all night or do you want to come inside?"

You nod silently, no longer certain you can speak, and he steps aside, so you can pass by him. But, you step right in front of him and as you look straight into those wonderful pools of blue, your palm reaches out and cradles the side of his face. He tilts his head gently. And it's been so damn long, since you felt this way. Too long.

You really fucking ached for it.

"I love you." You whisper as you pull him closer into your arms, holding on for dear life. "And I'm so fucking sorry." You sigh it against his warm temple.

"It's OK. Just don't let me go ever again." You hear him whisper back. 

Which makes you smile. At him. At yourself. At life.

And as he melts even more into your body, you know that this is all the answer you're gonna get. All that you need really.

He is here. And finally, so are you. Life is perfect.

And in your book, that's a damn good beginning.


End file.
